Funnies
 
dezhandian www.richsun.com

Only Pooh

 
Quotes from Actual Federal Employee Evaluations:
 
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This employee is not really so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
"Got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
"A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
"He's been working with glue too much."
"He would argue with a sign post."
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
"When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell."
"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
"A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
"One neuron short of a synapse."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
"Takes him two hours to watch '60 Minutes.'"
"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
A Mathematical Approach To Establishing Salary
 
An Industry "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Programmers can never earn as much as business executives and sales people".
 
This theorem can now by fully supported by a mathematical proof based on the following two universally accepted facts:
 
Fact 1: Knowledge is Power.
Fact 2: Time is Money.
 
As every Engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
 
Since:
Knowledge = Power, then Knowledge = Work / Time
Since:
Time = Money, Then Knowledge = Work / Money
 
Solving for Money gives: Money = Work / Knowledge
 
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity.
 
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make, regardless of the amount of work done. This obviously places managers etc. at the top of the pay scale.

A Friend sent this to me. Fact or Fiction? You decide.

Proof that girls are evil

It just goes to show you, you can prove anything with math or science.

Phrases Useful in the Workplace
 
1. Thank you - we're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and inexperienced.
7. What am I - flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, he is an agent of Satan, but his duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16. Your idea seems reasonable... Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Differences Between You and Your Boss
 
When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing. When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.